I’ll be 25 next week and my boyfriend is 28 and we have been together for a little over 2 1/2 years. He took me on my very first date when I was 17 – we went on a few dates but things didn’t work out because I went off to college 6 months later and I wasn’t looking for anything serious at the time. We reconnected over MySpace (silly I know) and haven’t spent more than 24 hours apart the entire time we’ve been together. We click, we laugh, we have great chemistry, but he doesn’t have a job and he has health issues (Tophaceous Gout). I’ve been strong and dealt with the issues, but it is a manageable disease, he just hasn’t done it very well. From the beginning we knew we were made for eachother – I love him so much, but the reality of our future together is slowly sinking in. I want a house, I want kids! But he’s only held a job for a little over 3 months the entire time we’ve been together. I currently work for a doctor with a small practice, so I really don’t make very much at this time either, but I’ve managed. We’ve lived together almost the entire time, too. I lived in a teeny tiny studio apartment when we first got together, then my dad ended up getting a divorce 3 months after he and I started dating, he needed a place to stay, so I let him crash at my apartment and I moved in with Lloyd at his dad’s house. I ended up staying there for 4 months, so by the end of it, he and I had a pretty good rhythm and decided what the heck, why not just have him move in?
He lets his gout just take over his life. He had a job the first 3 months we were together and then he had another job (that his best friend gave him) for 2 weeks last year. He gets really depressed over it and it’s just heart breaking to watch him. I’ve tried to bring up the job thing with him several times, but each time, I get countered with the fact that he’s in the middle of a really bad flare and can’t write or walk (depending on where the flare is at the time). He has said time and time again that he wants to get a job and get out of the apartment, but he’s probably only put out 50 applications the entire time we’ve been together. I just don’t know how that is – the last time I was unemployed was my 16th birthday (1 week later I had a job).
Recently, all of the feelings I suppressed for so long about the job and health issues came out. I started stressing out and I’m exhausted all the time now. I just couldn’t hold my discontent in any longer. I started being cold and distant instead of the loving caretaker I’ve been the entire time we’ve been together because with the approach of my birthday and the reality of our future together (we were going to start saving up now to start trying to get pregnant at the end of the year) I realized that this might not actually work. Love might not really be enough.
So I work for this doctor and I know all of the patients (I work for a chiropractor, so they inevitably come in quite frequently), I know their kids, I know their parents, I know the name of their freaking pets! So this one male patient started his treatment and I started to get to know him and realized I was attracted to him. This is the FIRST man I’ve been attracted to since I met my boyfriend. Don’t worry, I do not plan to act on any of these urges, but his mere presence alone has made me wonder if I’m settling? Or am I just getting cold feet because what I have with my boyfriend is real and I’m just terrified of it?
So I talked to my boyfriend about these fears and he says he wants to try and prove himself to be a man and provider for me. Which is WONDERFUL to hear, but can he really change? Can he really get his act together, if not for me, for himself? I thought that when I told him everything, when I told him how scared I’ve been, how stretched I’ve felt for so long taking care of him, I thought that there would be this weight lifted off my shoulders. It’s still there – if anything it’s gotten worse.
So I don’t know what to do. Do I leave my loving, caring, sweet boyfriend because I’m scared of uncertainty of our future together? He is the kindest, sweetest man I’ve ever met. Will this man I met be the first and last man I’m attracted to? What happens if I can’t control my urges? I’ve cheated on previous boyfriends (never the current! I have made the concious decision not to hurt him like that) but what happens if I get stretched so thin and I meet my breaking point and just loose my sanity? I can’t guarantee that I won’t at that point because I’ll be batshit crazy. I can tell you now I don’t plan to, nor do I want to, but if I hit my breaking point, I have no idea what I’ll do.